What does my title mean?

This blog is named "Expected In Heaven". I recently wondered if people understand what that means. Well this is what it means to me. 

I just finished looking back over the years of writing on care pages and this blog. I also completed a novel called, "Expected In Heaven - the story". It's available on Amazon or you can ask for it at a book store. 😊The path God has brought me down is one I never expected to walk. I think most of us have dreams of what our life should look like and then we set out to accomplish that. Now there is nothing wrong with this, I don't think it's wrong to make plans, but it's not always what happens. Almost 10 years have passed since my first sweet husband went home to heaven, September 28, 2012. His leukimia was deadly but God gave him many miracles along the way and we enjoyed his life for 10 months. I did not expect to be a widow that soon, nor did I expect to marry again. I happened to marry two more times, losing both to cancer, one 6 years ago and one 3 years ago. It has indeed been a journey. A very unexpected journey.

In the last decade I believe I have learned things about God I never knew or fully understood before this time in life. In a devotion I wrote recently for my church I said it could be compared to having a child. Before you give birth for the first time you can study a lot and be told much from other mothers but until you experience birth yourself you don't know how you will feel. So it is with death of a loved one, especially a spouse that you share all of life with in intimate ways. I watched so many people go through it and never understood the grief until it hit me. 

This was a part of life I had not planned or expected, let alone three times! I like a comment my pastor made at a recent memorial service. He said his answer to someone who asked what a pastor's job is was, "to prepare them for death." I liked that a lot! It says exactly what my title means to me and I hope to anyone who reads this blog.

We must prepare, expect, never stop asking God for help. I always knew this to be true but wondered if I would be able to believe this if a tragedy struck and if my faith would hold up to believe God could help. I was able to get my answers over the past decade. I discovered three things mainly:

1. I had to spend time with God alone. Seek Him in prayer and His Word the Bible. Ask questions that no one could answer but Him. Let tears flow so I could be free and not be afraid to feel the grief. I was often amazed with the answers and comfort I found. This was not a one and done thing, it had to be daily to be effective. Sometimes my heart was too broken to feel but my head knowledge was there and when I preserved with God my heart caught up with the head.

2. I needed to plan things for myself involving fun times with family or friends. I couldn't wait for people to think of me, I had to initiate what I thought I might enjoy. People don't know what you need unless you tell them and invite them to be part of your healing.

3. Participate in grief classes or counseling is helpful too as needed. There are often helpful things online or pastors can help guide you to the right source.

Life is important to live, for Jesus doesn't want us to dread life instead He wants us to live it to the full. John 10:10b "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." The good news is that after we have lived, we can have the assurance that if we believe in Jesus, we can expect eternal life!! Are you expecting heaven? Until that day I encourage you to walk the path of life with me and lean on Jesus each day taking time in His Word the Bible and prayer. 💗

Whose Side Are We On - Finale Part 3

Here are some more of my Joshua thoughts on "whose side are we on".  I just realized I spelled whose wrong before by using who's which means who is!!  I knew that 😝- feeling a little foolish right now, but I did manage to change all (I hope) so now I'll continue....

Thankfully God loves imperfect people and directs them in His perfect ways.  When the Israelites were getting ready to cross over into their promised land God takes them to the shore of the Jordan river during flood season. ( Joshua 3:15)  Before this in Joshua chapter one God promises He will make Joshua great in the peoples eyes just as He had done for Moses.  I especially love the fact that God tells Joshua four times to be strong and courageous.  (Joshua 1:6,7,8,18) Also He told Joshua to never turn from God's law and  meditate on it day and night.  This was how Joshua would succeed.  

Next they come to the Jordan which is overflowing this time of year.  The priests carrying the ark of the covenant must step in the Jordan and trust that God will stop the water so they can cross.  (Joshua 3:13) As soon as the priests enter the water God makes it stop flowing and heaps the water up so the Israelites can cross.  

There is so much detail to this story that I encourage you to read it but one of the things I really like is the fact that after they cross the Jordan, they are between a flooding river and Jericho (the enemy).  Then God says, "Now Joshua, I want all the Israelite men to be circumcised, since in the desert it did not happen."  What!! The first time I read this I realized those men would be very weak for several days and very vulnerable to enemy attack.  These people are so obedient at this time that they do all that God commands through Joshua.  I love it!  After they are healed God says now I want you to celebrate Passover.  A feast to remember all God had done in taking them out of the slavery of Egypt and saving them from death.  It also pointed to a future Messiah that would bring salvation by His death.  

Next there is the part that says they eat the food from the land and I know they had flocks of sheep and cattle with them.  Passover celebration needed sheep to be slaughtered and roasted over an open fire.  At this point they no longer needed manna.  Joshua 5:12 tells us the manna stopped coming from heaven.  This generation had grown up only knowing manna.  Quite the sudden change for them and another thing to trust God with.  

They are finally ready - I think - for battle?  God gives them a strange command.  March around Jericho walls every day once with the priests carrying the ark and rams horns being blown.  Then on the seventh day they were to march around seven times and at the end blow the horns and shout!  Wow and just like that the walls fell! What is amazing to me is that the warriors of Jericho never threw spears or rocks or anything from their walls.  The Israelites had to be sitting ducks walking around the city!   I know Israel conquered Jericho because they did exactly what God said.  They had faith in God and trusted their leader Joshua was listening to God's commands.  Again I am convinced it wasn't about whose side they were on instead it was all about God and what He wanted them to do.  

Sometimes people have a hard time with God telling the Israelites to go and conquer people.   God does want all people to choose to follow Him and He gives everyone lots of time, even generations, before He allows people to be destroyed.  Then, as we saw with Rahab, it is never too late to follow God.  He wants us to all turn from evil and follow Him.

As we handle the enemy of Coronavirus, we must all trust God and ask for His salvation in Jesus who is the Lamb of God who takes away our sin.  He will make us strong and courageous and show us how to take down the walls of whatever Jericho each of us face today.💪

Whose Side Are We On - Part 2

 Today let's look at the other side.  How do the Canaanites feel with this strange group of nomads coming at them from the desert?  Here is where the story of Rahab comes in.  (Joshua 2)

Joshua sends in some spies to check out the land.  He had to be a little concerned about this since 40 years prior to this Moses sent him (Joshua) and 11 other spies and only he and Caleb came back saying God will go with us if He wants us to possess the land.  While the other 10 were scared out of their wits telling everyone, NO, we can't conquer them they have walled cities and they are giants compared to us, etc. etc.

Well, Joshua takes the risk and in go two spies checking out the city of Jericho.  It tells us in Joshua 2:1 he sent them in secretly.  Humm.. I wonder if that was because he didn't want all the Israelites to know and try to interrogate them when they returned.  (that's only a guess by me) ;)

Ok now where do the spies go?  I think they were trying to enter unnoticed and picked a prostitute's house to look like they were normal male visitors passing through.  My footnotes said it was most likely an Inn where the spies could get information that was run by Rahab.  I do think it is interesting that the spies are not named in the story except where they from, Shittim.  I read some notes on this and it seems to be a spot where Israel fell into the sin that Rahab later abandons.  

I just love everything about Rahab.  She doesn't seem to mess around.  She knew all the stories of how Israel's God had saved Israel from Egypt when parting the Red Sea as well as conquered the kings Sihon and Og of the Amorites.  She knew her own people were not afraid of the Israelites who were rather rag tag looking after wandering in the desert 40 years.  No, they were afraid of Israel's God!  

Time to make a deal with these guys from Israel, thought Rahab.  My life for yours.  It didn't seem to take the king of Jericho long to figure out Israel had spies in his land and that they were at Rahab's house.  You think God had a plan to save Rahab from the beginning?  She makes a deal and hides the spies.  They agree but they tell her the only way she and anyone in her family can be saved is if they remain in her house.  She must tie a scarlet cord in the window she helped the spies escape from.  The crazy part of this story to me is her house is part of the city wall.  (Joshua 2:15)  Yes, now how in the world does her house stay standing when the walls of Jericho come down?  Obviously with God's help and purpose.  

My favorite part of this story is the fact that after she was saved (Joshua 6:25) she was spared because she hid the spies.  This chapter tells us she stayed and lived among the Israelites.  She did not need to, as that wasn't part of the agreement to save her.  No, it was her choice to stay and worship Israel's God. How do I know this?  Well, check out Matthew 1:5, Rahab is listed in the genealogy of Jesus!  She not only stayed but followed God so beautifully that she was chosen to be able to marry in the godly line of King David and therefore Jesus Himself.  She would not be there had she not become a child of God.  

This shows me that God does not take sides but wants all to come to Him.  2 Peter 3:9 The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, (of returning - His 2nd coming) as some understand slowness.  Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

God loves all people, but as Rahab, we have to choose who we will follow.  Whose side are we on?  In this day and age is it important to choose Jesus who wants to give us life so we can have it to the full? (John 10:10)

To be continued.....

Whose Side Are You On?

I was asked to do a devotion for my granddaughter's bridal shower this past weekend and I enjoyed thinking over what I should speak about.  The Word of God, to me, is filled with a myriad of ideas for married couples but I felt the Lord giving me the thought of "whose side are you on?".  This thought just wouldn't leave and the Bible story of Joshua kept coming to mind.

If you are familiar with the story of Joshua you know God made him leader of the Israelites after Moses'  time was up.  This is where the book of Joshua begins.  Joshua must lead the group of Israelites into the promised land - a  very large group of people who have wandered in the desert for 40 years.  They were totally dependent on God in the wilderness for food - manna came daily in the form of rain - water came from rocks or wherever God chose to give it.  Their clothes did not wear out.  Now here they are at the door of the land God promised.

There is so much to explore in the details of this story so I might just write a mini series.  Whether you want to read it or not is up to you.  I felt it helped me to ponder these thoughts myself because of the season we are all living through.  The pandemic, the political uncertainties and differences, the ideas of who is right about how we treat each other, the weather has been wild in many places as well.  As you know there is a lot going on and it is my habit to look to God's Word and see what way he wants me to face each day in the places he asks me to walk.  For those of you who wonder, I am doing well with God as my strength being a widow a third time.

Well back to Joshua, he has already done everything God told him to do when He said it is time to enter the promised land.  It involved some things I will write about in my next blog.  This time we will jump ahead a bit.  Joshua 5:13-15 speaks of an encounter Joshua has.  He was near Jericho and I am quite sure he was alone, probably praying and reassuring himself that God would be with him and wondered if he needed to know anything more.  Just then a man appears holding a drawn sword!  Joshua (I suspect little nervous) and asked, "Are you for us or for our enemies?" Or another way to put it "Whose side are you on?" A reasonable question I think and maybe all that came to his mind at the moment!  Ha!

The crazy answer he received was, "Neither, but as commander of the army of the Lord I have now come."  

The first time I noticed this I was like "SayWhat??"  I thought these were the Israelites - God's people. Wasn't God on their side?? But let's continue.....

That made Joshua do a face-plant on the ground and ask, "What message does my Lord have for his servant?"  Joshua doesn't seem to worry about the who's side thing.

His answer?  "Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy."  And Joshua did so.

I just want to take a minute with the who's side thing.  I think we often want people (and God) to favor us and be on our side.  God doesn't work the way we expect; ever.  Nope, he never takes sides, but he is always in control.  Today all He wants from us is our faith in Him and trusting Him with our lives and hearts.  He has a promised land for us, but it will never be gained our way, fighting over who is right, or who's side we are on.  

The Bible teaches us to serve as Jesus did.  Yes, He gave up everything that we may have life.  God always does what we least expect.  John 3:16 simply says, "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."  

In marriage, my granddaughter is soon going to be a wife, she will need to learn to serve and love her man as God loves her and not fight about who is right.  We all know that we can't give each other too much love and consideration.  The home life is filled with peace when there is love, God's love pouring from our hearts.  May we all give more love and complain less as we muddle through this difficult time.....

To be continued......

How Do I Live Now?

Here it is more than 9 months since I last posted on this blog!  It has been hard to think about doing it as life has been another  roller coaster for me and most of you as well.  The first thing I experienced in the month of October 2019 was the loss of my third husband, John DeLeeuw.  I have felt an incredible sadness which has had many hills and valleys.  It was extremely hard to lose someone so dear again.  God had blessed me with three great men to love and each time I went through losing them it was rough.  John succumbed to his stage 4 lung cancer after a year long battle.  We married in April of 2018 and we were so thrilled to enjoy marriage again after both of us lost spouses.  Now all I can say it was a wonderful year and a half because God blessed me with a great man.  I was able to share lots of joy in between the sorrow in that short time.  I shall never forget any of it.  Because I married three men now I have three incredible families, I can never complain that I don't have anyone to turn to.  Especially now in this season of Coronavirus!

What a time - RIGHT?!  I was just feeling like I was getting back to my new normal - no husband, becoming a widow once again and trying to deal with grief. Then boom in comes a pandemic!  I first felt like I was in a fog and not sure where I was going.  Slowly though I felt God's hand on me saying,  "you will be fine.  Just look up and rest on Me, I will take you through."

I have to confess one night I tried to take the whole world on my shoulders and felt like I had to do something to help everyone see the truth about the virus.  LOL!  Truth was I didn't even begin to understand the truth about it!  But sometimes in the middle of the night one can feel the need to fix the trouble that's out there.  OR am I the only one that does silly things of such nature in the middle of the night?  Anyway now I feel more solid and I feel like I know two things: God says - Love one another.  That is His main command.  I realize that to love includes accept people no matter if they agree or not with my thoughts and respect everyone when out in public.  The face mask doesn't hurt me to wear and trying to keep distance isn't hard either - depending how full the area I'm in - but most of the time it works fine.  Washing hands, well that is common sense.

That said, I am doing okay even though I don't love death and dying I know it is part of life.  My husband John and I cherished the words of a few songs that helped us when we were discouraged by life. One was a Christian contemporary song called  "Eye of the Storm" by Ryan Stevenson.  Go to YouTube and listen.  Such great words!  And another one was the old favorite "The Rose" which was song sung at our wedding.  The Rose has a line that says "The soul afraid of dying never learns to live."  When we married we were older, and life is a risk.  We, of course, hoped we would have several more good years together as we were both rather healthy.  But we knew in life there are no guarantees. We still wanted to enjoy life and take the risk.

My final word to all who read this is to put your hope in a sure guarantee - Jesus Christ!  John 3:16-17  For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son (Jesus) into the world to condemn the world but to save the world through Him.

Now that is LOVE!  Do you believe?  Are you expected in Heaven?  Take the risk that has a sure outcome!

A Sinking Ship

Wow, I have no good excuse, really, for waiting so long to blog!  I know there are some out there in cyber space who enjoy keeping up with John and my life and our journey through cancer.  It has been since last November/December that updates to this blog happened.  Life is such a journey of uncertainty for anyone as our pastor told us a few weeks ago:  "From the day we are born we are like ships with an irreparable hole in it.  We begin sinking even though some days may seem sunny and beautiful without a care in the world - still we are all sinking.  Death is the hole and no one can run from it."  This sounds so depressing but my husband John and I left with very light hearts and filled with assurance the day we heard this sermon.

First our pastor took us through the thought of how "WEIRD" we are compared to the third world countries.  America and Europe are western, educated, industrialized, rich and democratic for the most part.  We have more than we know what to do with, and yet we are often never satisfied and want more.  One statistic, our pastor found, that I thought was humorous and yet not, was that there are five times more storage units than Starbucks, and shopping malls outnumber high schools!!!! Yikes, both these facts are sad.  Yet we all can be guilty of wanting more, whether wanting more stuff, or food, or trips, or entertainment.

The pastor used Ecclesiastes 2 to show how the writer, who is Solomon or someone like him, shows how even when you get all your heart desires, still life is meaningless.  The writer realizes nothing can bring true happiness in this life.  So what is there then?

John and I have come to that place of asking - what is really important and how are we going to live with what we have been given?  John has had a very up and down year dealing with cancer - lung cancer, stage 4.  He has responded to most of the treatment given quite well, in spite of the fact many days are downright awful.  We were able to do many things these past months, even travel for entertainment and to visit family.  We were also able to take a family trip with kids and grandkids, such a blessing.  John now continues on a chemo pill that has less side effects than the first one.  He has survived a bout with pneumonia and right now dealing with an extra infection in his body.  We live day by day thanking God for each new day.  We try to stay as active as John's body allows him to be.  He has been able to bike ride with me many times the past few months, some days he can go 10 miles and other days just 3.  We are thankful for any kind of exercise or movement he is up to.  Some days it's a couch day.  The thing we enjoy the most is how we can be used by God to bring blessings to others.  Whether it is with a visit or doing a bible study with others or just being kind and loving to family and friends.  Some days we are strong and sure and other days we are very sad and worry and cry together.  We know we have to hold on to our faith and assurance in Jesus to make it through.

Our pastor ended with what our hope is in our sinking ships.  (John and I have experienced sinking ships with losing our spouses in death and now again dealing with an incurable disease!)  We walked out of that sermon with glad hearts because of what Colossians 3:1-4 says:  "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.  For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.  When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory."

The promise is we are rich in Christ and because of this we can live life to the full - no matter that we are in sinking ships!  We have so much hope since we are expected in heaven!!  We hope you do too!  Thanks to all who pray for us as we travel this journey - we believe in prayer, it gives us the strength to remember what is really important in life!  Not the stuff, but the relationship with God and with others!

After Thanksgiving

Reading my last post I see we were not past the testing stage of John's cancer type.  Well since then John spent 3 days in the hospital to get a good lung biopsy done so he could proceed to treatment.  We did find out he has stage 4 lung and bone cancer.  When it is in the bone it automatically becomes stage 4.  It is not small cell lung cancer either, which we were hoping for.  This seems like rather depressing news but at the same time there are some great new treatments out there that give a lot of hope.  He has had one treatment of two powerful chemotherapy products and one immunotherapy.  We are pleased with his follow up testing results and have heard that this treatment can put his cancer into remission and in some cases cure it, even the bone part of it!

There are always side effects when taking a bunch of medicines, chemo, etc. into our bodies.  John has had his share of pain from the bone cancer and therefore takes powerful pain meds.  They help, yet again, lots of side effects.  John hangs in there with great strength.  We both have had our moments of frustration.  I confess mine can consist mostly of self-pity which I don't like at all.  It caused a melt-down one day I'm rather ashamed of and so now I'm trying to rest more on God instead of my own weak strength.  Thank you all so very much for prayer.  I believe in the power of prayer more then anything!  Medicine is a wonderful answer to our prayers, but the creator is the one who has made our bodies. He is the one who has to direct our doctors and nurses to bring about the perfect outcome.

Since John's first treatment we attended a huge family gathering (my family and John's) for Thanksgiving and enjoyed having his girls with their families in town.  They came from Sacramento and Atlanta, Georgia.  The day was the worst day for John as far as strength went, but he was so glad to be able to be a part of the day.  A cosy couch in the middle of everything helped!

We look forward to Christmas which we are now trying to prepare for.  We do as much each day as is possible and not worry about the rest.  The main thing we try to do is enjoy what God gives for the day and praise Him for the ability to do what we can to have a normal life in the midst of deciding what food tastes the best as well as good for you, handling pain, medicine, treatments, doctor visits, CT and MIR scans, and blood tests!

There is always suffering in life.  One problem gets better and another can soon follow.  Not to sound pessimistic, it is just a fact.  If we don't have hope in God there is very little that can bring real peace or happiness.  So whoever reads this I would encourage you to put your hope in God so that suffering can be handled.  John and I are reading a great devotional booklet this month that happens to be on suffering. The other day the key verse was:
 Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
Also a thought was shared from George MacDonald:  "Trust God to weave your little thread into the great web, though the pattern shows it not yet."

I like both these thoughts and most of all knowing with certainty this Christmas season Christ was born so we could saved from sin and be Expected in Heaven one day!

Refining Fire

There is a praise song that has the words:
"Purify my heart
Let me be as gold and precious silver
Refiner's fire
My heart's one desire
Is to be holy
Set apart for You, Lord"
by - Brian Doerksen, 2008
This song was a favorite of mine but I never really knew the full meaning of the words.  God has been teaching me in the last 7 years in ways I would not have imagined.

Many of you are wondering how John and I are doing after just 7 short months of marriage and finding out John has lung and bone cancer.  Well very, very sad first of all and totally incapable of walking this journey alone without God holding us up.  Thank you so very much to the many who have said you are praying for us!  We need it!!  God has answered in the way that each day He gives us hope and holds our hands and helps us move forward.

John has taken all the needed tests, but the bone marrow test taken in the doctor's office wasn't good enough, so they want another one to give the final prognosis for treatment.  So now we wait once again for the hospital to schedule him with the radiology department.  We were told this could take another week to week and half.  Yes, this woman is continuing to try to speed this process any way I can.  All his other tests have been sent to the hospital so please pray that they will do the test this week!  It's my understanding that once the test is taken they still have to wait a day or so for it to process in the lab.

We are very hopeful that there is treatment for his cancer that can make it go into remission or give him some more days with me.  There is always hope as well for a miracle!  We never doubt what God can do.  We also have said not my will but Yours be done.

"These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." I Peter 1:7

Surprises and Learning to Live

How tough is it for a widow or widower to live life with trust that everything is going to be okay no matter what comes their way?  Maybe the phrase "living until we die" is an appropriate statement to make once you become a widow after a long and happy marriage.  Life is always uncertain and nothing is guaranteed so how to live is always the question for everyone, really.

I read a devotion by a woman, Karen Bables,  who has cancer and knows it will end in her death eventually.  I loved her thoughts on how to choose to die before we die which to her meant letting go.  We learn to give up control - first of situations and events, then of people, then of our own life, and finally of our death. Recognizing that we have no control over death is the hardest to accept.  We don't need to be frightened of death. The more we deny it, the less value our life has.  When we continually die to death, we also live until we die.  I personally really like that last thought.

So that brings me to the fact and maybe reason I was willing to be open to the idea of a third marriage after losing my second husband a year and a half ago to cancer.  The thought is rather frightening at times to think I could have to face the death of a husband again as there is no promise that says I will die first!  In the end I realized I wanted to choose to live till I die and live in confidence that God has my life in His hands and all those I love.  He knows what I need and when I need it so I have to trust that the right things will happen at the right times.

With that all said I've been given another sweet man (a widower as well) to date over the past few months and we have set a wedding date for April 7, 2018 Lord willing!  We have known each other over 20 years in this community and happened to attend the same school when we were young although we didn't exactly know each other then.  Smile.  It's another story.  His name is John DeLeeuw and was our Christian school superintendent for over 20 years and recently retired.  There you have it the surprising news of my life!  A new adventure and season to see what God will do in both of our lives.

I hope God gives all of you, who take time to read this blog, the confidence to live life to the full with Jesus as your example and not be tricked into thinking the Bible is a fairytale.

John 10:10 "The thief (the devil) comes to steal, and kill, and destroy, but I (Jesus) have come that you may have life, and have it to the full."  Read the whole book of John in the Bible and learn the truth that can set you free to live life no matter what trial or joy you face!  Then you will know you are "Expected in Heaven" when death takes you from this life!

Another Year - What good are Birthdays?

How do you feel about getting older?  In my family we have 11 September birthdays (which includes my own) and even more in the extended family.  It made me think about how do I like birthdays?  Well I concluded I love them as I make it a habit (and have for years) to celebrate everyones life in some way on their birthday.  To have life is so special, Jesus said, "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full!"  Do you realize that our God is a very big party celebrator?  He commanded his people the Israelites to plan three very important holidays that they spent at least 7 days worshipping, eating, drinking, dancing and hanging out together in tents or in each others homes or at the temple or in local synagogues.  Anyway I personally think that is so very cool and fun!  Some people think heaven will be boring, but that is because they don't know what kind of God we worship in the Bible.  Even in this world that has all of it's problems God gives us so much life!  I know I long for heaven in one respect but I also look forward to all the joy God has for me in this life until he calls me Home.  Therefore I have no death wish, so don't feel guilty if you want to live awhile - that is a God given gift and we must enjoy life expecting good things, only God can give.

With all that pondering about life I realized I am expected to be content with the places God has called me to live.  Getting older teaches me through many experiences (good or bad) that I need to be content and then I am so much happier!  I love to worry about what could or couldn't happen and that just takes the joy out of life.  This last while as I come into the 5th year of the loss of Tom and the 1st year loss of John, I know I can't foresee what will happen in my future.  Sometimes I worry that to be alone the rest of my life will be so lonely and then on the other side I worry getting married again could bring so many problems!!  Things always happen that I don't expect or I say I will never do!  Ridiculous!  It is time I be content in whatever place God thinks I should be! This is my earnest prayer, if you are praying for me that is the best thing to pray for - contentment in whatever place or situation God wants me to be in and serve Him.

Our pastor has been teaching on what it takes to be a disciple of Christ.  The first week he taught us to look for Jesus in all of life and expect to see Him.  When we are in tune with Him and listening and seeing we notice when water changes to wine or when there is a resurrection (great things I don't want to miss).  The second week we learned as a disciple we need to know and understand love.  Love frees us from slavery of sin but we don't have to rush to grow up in the Lord as any kind of growing takes time.  Finally today he taught us to love the church and realize we are all a part of the body (the church) and need one another.  One person is like a hand another an ear or an eye, etc.  The church family is such a blessing, we don't want to go through our Christian walk without that precious family.  I know first hand how great it is to be surrounded by God's people who care and walk with you through sorrow!  For me it is a bit of heaven on earth.  I'm excited to be an expectant believer!  How about you?

A Mist and How to Live

Here I sit drawing a bit of a blank - Yet I feel the need to write to friends and family who may read my blog to know how life is going for me.  Well God has again been so good to me and given me a wonderful summer.  Maybe in some ways too good.  Now I have to face everyday life and not have hikes to climb, lakes to float on, or road trips to drive, as well as have a blast with family and friends!  Coming home each night to an empty house has it's challenges, but God always reminds me He is close by to talk to and talk I do!  I'm very social so quiet is okay at times, but for me having no one to express opinions to after an interesting day is a bit of a let down.  This sounds very depressing and I do not come from a family who feels sorry for themselves (not for long anyway)!  My mother was the most positive person I knew and many times I am so thankful for that as it helps me look for the positive in every situation.  So here is some positive!

There are still many friends I get to do things with - love my neighbor lady friends who do bible study with me.  We started up again after a summer break.  There are several young women I get to counsel in parenting skills and another bible study class to do at Care Pregnancy Center where I am able to volunteer a few times a week.  On top of all my activities and friends I have a huge family close by.  My life is so very full and rich, truly.  Yet I know there are other men and women out there alone and not always enjoying it, because like me they terribly miss that special spouse who now is home with the Lord.

A devotion I read the other day reminded me of something to keep in mind which says:  "What is your life?  For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes."  James 4:14  I especially liked how Joel Plantinga, who wrote the devotion said, " We are regularly reminded by God's Word that time is fleeting and the day of the Lord is approaching.  Don't be paralyzed by fear!  We live in a moment of incredible opportunity to share the gospel with our world.  Live out of an urgency that comes from understanding that opportunity."

Yes indeed it can be easy to fear the future or complain about it to God, but God wants me to relax in the moment.  Jesus died for me and rose again and ascended into heaven and has gone to prepare a place for me and all who want to believe!  All we have to do is confess our sin and receive His gift and follow Him!  I'm expected in the place Jesus is preparing for me and others who want Him in their life!

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."  Psalm 118:24

Lord help me and everyone dealing with sadness to make the best use of our time today and the good things you give for your glory! Amen

A Story from Israel

What a blessing to once again travel to the places the Bible tells us about and especially the ones Jesus walked and lived.  This time (it was my third trip) I was with my sister and a group of great Christian people walking the land together.  John Farwell was our leader, you can find out about his trips on the sight called "walkthestory.com".  He is a great teacher and we all highly recommend his trip if you are able to go.

There is so much a person could share about the trip but I realize you would get totally sick of reading so I'll share one moving thing that happened for me and something I had never thought of before.  Since I have lost two great husbands in my life I know what it is like to suffer almost unbearable loss.  John told us a story about a tour guide who died suddenly on his friend's tour.  This man lived in Israel so John's friend had to go to the man's wife and let her know what had happened His friend explained the moment the woman saw him at her door instead of her husband she knew something bad had happened and she just fell down weeping in front of him.  The woman's son happened at the same time to come into the room seeing his mother weeping on the floor.  His immediate response was to tear his shirt from top to bottom and weep with his mother.  They both knew by the look on John's friend's face the news was fatal. John's friend said he will never forget the sound of the man's shirt tearing and the buttons hitting the floor.  It made the grief so profound in that moment.   John explained this story as at the time we were having a teaching on Jesus death and all the things that happened when Jesus died.  He likened it to the grief of the Father when Jesus the Son died on the cross and the curtain in the temple tore from top to bottom.  Me personally had to do everything to keep from weeping out loud hard! Even now as I write this it makes me cry since I know this kind of grief so up close and personal.  I loved how it made my God and Lord and Savior so up close and personal with this amazing story even though it makes me cry.  My prayer for you who might read this can feel the unbelievable love of the Father in giving up His Son Jesus so we could have life eternal and one day be expected in Heaven!

I sign off with John's favorite saying on our trip "till the next time we are to meet here on earth or at the Golden Gates"!

All About Me

Do I focus on God or do I have self pity in my grief and loss? Sometimes I get very sick of being alone and badly miss the things I loved doing with my sweet husband, but then I ask myself --- Is life all about me?  This morning I read a devotion from my favorite (yet most challenging) devotion book, "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers.  Again I was so struck with the thought that life IS often about me and what I have to handle for the day - whether it be my grief or the ministry I think God wants me to do, or what I have to do with family or friends.  (None of these bad things mind you) but then I read the scripture from John 3 where John the Baptist speaks of his becoming less and Jesus becoming greater.  That was John's goal in life to lead others to the Messiah.  He called himself the friend of the bridegroom and has great joy as he waits and listens for him.  It is all about serving the bridegroom (Jesus) because the bride (all believers) belong to the bridegroom.

Oswald warns that if we only make ourselves look great because of what Christ has done for us we fail as people will look at us and say, "Oh, what a fine person that man or woman is!"  When we do this we ourselves are increasing not the bridegroom - Jesus!  Oswald states the only way we can avoid this way of thinking is focus on having a moral and vital relationship to Jesus above everything else.  If we are maintaining this relationship the rest of our Christian walk will flow the way it should.

Wow this is very hard to live out in daily life.  It takes a constant thought process to focus away from me and look to adoring my Savior so I allow Him to have His way.  It's frightening even to really let go of my life and let God have full control.  I Corinthians 9:24-27 is an awesome text giving an example of this thought.  This text reminds me that it takes time to do something well.  You can't expect to be an athlete without strict training - we can't be God's vessel without beating our body (and mind) to be God's adoring child, relaxing in His arms so in the end we will win the prize!

Salvation is a free gift of God we don't work for it Christ has done that on the cross (Easter message) - we just simply believe, and because of this we adore and worship Him. This morning I was thinking we are still sons and daughters of Adam and Eve and we would rather eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil than the Tree of Life!  I got to thinking did God say they couldn't eat from the Tree of Life before sin entered?  I discovered the answer is NO (read Genesis 2)!  The only tree they could not eat from was the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  They were banned from the Tree of Life (Genesis 3) after they fell into sin so they wouldn't live forever in this sinful state!  Personally I think they didn't even bother to eat from it before they were tempted to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. I feel we are still the same we want to take from good and evil and not take the LIFE God offers freely because we want CONTROL.... I confess that is often my reason when I'm honest with myself.

These are my thoughts for this time of waiting in expectation for my home in heaven (where the Tree of Life will be - Revelation 22) and the prize will be to hear: "Well done good and faithful servant".

Pilgrimage

October 30 was my last post, how time flies!  This is definitely a good thing as walking through sadness can be rough at times, so when time flies I love it.  A favorite book of mine on widowhood spoke of losing ones soul mate (husband) after many years can be one of the hardest things in life to endure.  I'll have to agree, and losing two husbands has tested me greatly, but also gave me strength I didn't realize I possessed.

Thanksgiving and Christmas as well as New Years holidays have passed by with much to be thankful for!  Lots of parties and even weddings as well as a trip with my daughters to New Port Beach and their families!  I roomed with 5 young women, 2 granddaughters and 3 significant others of my grandsons.  What fun it was for me to share time like this with part of my family.  I had so many fun get-togethers with family, when I counted them up I had had 5 different family Christmas parties and numerous other fun times with them all.  12 of us were able to go to Disney's California Adventure and we stayed together all day!  There was also a wedding in Alabama with my sister's family and one at home with my daughter's in-laws!   I felt very blessed, not to mention about 6 more parties  and outings with friends! Yes, I felt a bit social these past two months!

I enjoy letting all of you know I have a good life, that God is watching over, with much to do.  Even though there is sadness over loss there is not loneliness.  I don't have the excuse to say I'm lonely as anytime I feel the need I can call a family member or friend to do something with.  The sadness comes in with the fact that the loved one I enjoyed so much with is no longer here.  I ask myself often - now Vera how do you face this loss and sadness that can pop up at the worst of times.  When one least expects tears just come, it's ok to cry and even good for me, but I don't like to in the middle of the grocery store or any number of other public places!  I dislike making people uncomfortable!  Enough on that subject - but how do we coup with hardships in life that come our way?

I recently read an article about taking a pilgrimage.  A pilgrimage is not a vacation it is a journey which is supposed to teach lessons of Godly dependence.  I have had the privilege to take a couple of these kinds of trips.  They were not what you call fun, they involved hiking over rough terrane, for me I seemed to fall a time or two (so embarrassing).  Also I would do things that might need confession on my part or forgiving others.  The point is as I pondered these things, I decided life is like this.  It is filled with things we don't always like to do or places we don't want to be, yet we have no control whatever over where God will call us to walk.  We can either walk with grace, confession, and forgiveness along the way or we can complain and grumble and make the world around us miserable.  That is my goal to walk where God has asked me to walk with His Grace, assurance, trust and be certain that one day everything will be perfect!  My family will be altogether never to have to part again!  Hurrah!!!  A pilgrimage I think is keeping our eyes on the goal and know that no matter how hard the journey one day it will all be worth it!

"Now my heart is troubled, but what shall I say?  Father, save me from this hour?  No it was for  this very reason I came to this hour!  Father glorify your name!"  John 12:27-28a  

This verse has become a theme verse for me.  A great one to come to mind as I walk my pilgrimage.  I hope it gives you some grace and hope to walk where God calls you to walk!





 

Anniversary

It was time to face another special day - October 26 was supposed to be John and my 3rd anniversary.  John had made plans for this celebration, too, about 7 months ago.  He was a planner and whenever he was able to get a good deal with his time-shares he would say to me, "How about we go to Palm Desert for our 3rd Anniversary?  October came and I knew I had another trip to decide if I was to go.  A dear friend, Jeri, agreed to go, so away we went down to Palm Desert!  It just happened to be her birthday near my Anniversary and she had lost her husband a few months before my John passed away.  We decided to celebrate the way our husbands would have if they had been with us, dinner at Ruth's Chris.  Yes, we dressed up pretty and tried not to make our waitress cry when we told her what we were celebrating.  Jeri and I enjoyed sharing memories together and of course shed some tears but needless to say it was a great restful week for both of us.   We were both glad to have some blessed and happy times around the sad reminder of loss!  We did make time to watch a few awesome movies, which if you haven't seen them, we highly recommend!  "October Baby" and "Miracles from Heaven" great stories and wonderful acting!  Warning they do make you cry!

Another thing we did was attended a favorite church John had taken me to the two times we had been down there before called Southwest Church.  We were both glad we went as it was so inspiring! We felt it applied very well to living the life of a widow and staying strong with God.  It can apply to any situation in life that is tough to live with.  Here are the key points - in fact I love reading them again for myself!!  I feel bad as I can't find the pastor's name on the bulletin!

From: Philippians 1:12-30
Key Questions:
1.  Am I living with God's perspective?
             When I face problems joyfully.....(not always easy)
It advances the gospel!  It encourages other believers.  It teaches me what's important.
Lesson:  God has a purpose behind everyone of my problems!
2.  Am I living on God's power?
3.  Am I living for God's purpose?
Lesson:  If I have power and purpose I have passion!

Essential Steps:
1.  Stand firm!  How?  Don't give up!
2.  Stick together!  How?  Don't go it alone!
3.  Stay confident!  How?  Don't be afraid!

The most important message I received that day is whose voice am I listening to and believing?  God or my world?  Do I believe God's Word is true and completely reliable?  YES!  Paul the apostle wrote this letter to the Philippian  believers when he was in very hard conditions.  He was in prison for his faith.

I don't know about you but these thoughts really encouraged me!

Today back at my own church our youth pastor Tim did an awesome job of pointing out these same important truths in our lives.  We need to believe that the Bible is the true inspired Word of God and can make us wise for salvation through Jesus.  It is the only way we can face the difficult issues of our day.  We can't save ourselves by good deeds, or work, only Jesus saves through His death and resurrection!

By this truth we can BELIEVE and BE SURE we are EXPECTED IN HEAVEN!!

An Adventure to Zip Line

Well looking back I see it has already been more than a month since I've wrote anything on this blog.... maybe that's a good thing as I think God has given me a load of peace and strength in the last month.

John had planned a trip to Branson, MO to take me on for my birthday.  A timeshare was reserved for us which was fully paid and when John became ill he told me - "Vera take that trip if you can find a friend to go with you if I'm no longer here."  It was not a thing I thought I could make happen and almost jokingly said to my foster daughter, Tricia, "Want to go to Branson, MO with me?"  I was shocked when she said, "SURE!  I'd love to go!"  Her husband Steve was wonderful and let his wife go with me for a whole week!  We had a blast seeing wonderful music shows and an amazing production of the story of Moses!  My favorite thing - Tricia's idea I would have never considered it - was zip lining!  At first it was the scariest thing I'd ever done but by the time we finished I was ready to go again!  Though it was Tricia's idea, she said once was enough for her.  Smile.

It does take a lot of trust to zip line and jump off a tiny platform without knowing if that itty bitty line over your head will hold you up as you swing 30 feet in the air over tree tops to the next platform!  The first jump made me shake like a leaf but each swing became more fun!

I believe that walking with God and trusting Him with ALL your life is a similar situation and can be frightening sometimes.  God has been so good to me in giving me an incredible amount of comfort.  I can say I often feel sadness and have tears because I still miss John but I am not lonely.  There is too much love all around me (not to mention God's precious enfolding arms) which gives me a lot of joy and peace.  Another reason I don't feel lonely is I have several sweet girlfriends who have lost husbands as well and we can relate feelings and have friendship.  One in particular is a friend named Pat who told me about a wonderful book called "The Undistracted Widow" by Carol W. Cornish.  We are having a sort of book club going through it together.  It has been such a great guide to helping me see that God has called me to this place and I need to learn to embrace it.  That seems a little heavy but as I ponder that it gives me a great deal of assurance and comfort.

Finally to close I just want to say wherever God has called you to walk right now lean on His word and God's people to receive His assurance of salvation through Jesus who died for us and freely offers eternal life.

"We are in a battle because the Christian life is war.  We know the outcome and we will triumph over our enemies through Christ.  Let's take seriously Paul's exhortation to Timothy and consider it our own:  "Fight the good fight of the faith.  Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses."  (1 Timothy 6:12)  A thought from the book "The Undistracted Widow".

Expecting heaven in the end..................

Expect Life in the Wilderness

First of all maybe I should start by saying I lied.  Yup sorry I was often telling friends and family members "I think this time around (losing my second husband) is a little bit easier than the first time."  Not true I decided as I analyzed my situation which can be especially rough at times with lots of tears coming out of nowhere.  What I can say is it is different, or maybe it just feels different as it is an experience I've gone through before so I have a little knowledge of what to expect and how to get the comfort I so desperately need at times.  God gives me loads of comfort through a host of ways, which include children, grandchildren, friends and everyones prayers along with many loving things done for me.

God always surprises me though and with those surprises reminds me that He is in control and not me.  Take for instance this past Sunday morning as I readied myself for church I just couldn't stop crying and it was a bit annoying - feeling like I didn't have time for crying right then - but those tears just kept coming.  I felt okay as I left for church and found a seat.  My daughter-in-law almost blew it for me by asking, "Are you having a good morning or would you like me to sit beside you?"  It was amazing that I was able to say, "Yes I'm good you can sit by your husband."  The music minister started the service by saying we are having a time of confession and lament!  He made us think about all the things that make us mournful and downcast!  After the prayer time (which of course covered many areas of mourning I was going through just that morning) we sang songs that also made us think of sadness as well as give us hope in grief!  God surprised me with His strength and comfort during this time and I did not have to shed one tear!  I felt like NO WONDER I had to have all those tears to prepare!  I was SO GLAD I took time with God before this service!  Phew!

This was followed by our pastor preaching on Psalm 23, a favorite of my first husband as he walked through his cancer.  On our first trip to Israel my husband and I learned what green pastures and quiet waters really looked like and I always love being reminded (part of our sermon that day) of the fact that it's like a wilderness where the shepherd leads the sheep and cares for them in Israel.  Our pastor had another reminder of this thought how in Egypt God called His people out of the flourishing land of the Nile to the Wilderness - a place of death.  Our pastor gave such great word pictures of how God calls us to that place of death and we cannot survive without Him.  Psalm 63 is a beautiful picture of this.  I enjoyed another reminder of Jesus saying in Matthew 10:39 if we lose our life we will gain it.  To me this means I need to trust that God knows what He is doing and I should always give Him my wilderness and be confident He will take care of me in it.  We must not be afraid of the wilderness because God does big things in this place that seems like death and His people knew that the wilderness was really God's country.

Final thought is that I have to cling to God each day in whatever joy or sadness come my way and be confident He can help me find exactly what I need each and everyday.  I know I can be comforted as God has faithfully done this so many times for me in the past.  I can EXPECT it.

The Beginning of the First's

Yesterday after arriving home from a very wonderful time with my sister's family I had a meltdown.  I knew I was due for one since I hardly needed to cry on my trip.  I did realize it was due mostly to the fact that I came home to an empty house and it accentuates the fact that your sweet husband is no longer there.  No one to help bring in the luggage, no one to talk to about the pleasure of the trip and no one to discuss the plans for the coming week.  John always said when we came home from any trip that the first night home we had to eat out.  He did not want me to trouble myself with cooking.  I always loved that idea so I knew I needed to carry on his tradition and honor him by eating out!  Thankfully my sweet Cristina went with me and spent the night as well.  This really helped lighten the sadness of the first night home.

This morning as I was doing devotions I also read my booklet on "Experiencing Grief" and read about how the first year after a loved one is gone is full of "first's".  I knew this to be true and what I realized was that this was the first trip I took since John's death.  It was not surprising it was rough to come home.

At the same time I don't want to sound like I don't have some amazingly good things going on often.  This trip I took was so very good for me and was filled with a ton of joy.  First my granddaughter who was going to go with me got sick so a neighbor of mine stepped in to come along so I wouldn't have to drive to Oregon from California by myself!  My new neighborhood is wonderful and full of great ladies!  We had a great time together as girls do, never running out of words.  It makes road trips fly by.  The travel went so smoothly and my neighbor and I had a great time with my sister, her husband, kids, grandkids and great grandkids for 3 full days.   My favorite day was a wonderful hike and then a white water river rafting trip.  A lot of white water and I didn't fall out!!  It is always good to be with family that you don't always get to see to catch up on their lives.  The time flew by and I didn't feel much of my sadness as I never had time to feel lonely!  It was very good for my soul and very refreshing.

Now that I'm home again I have plenty to do so it's not like I feel the grief all the time but I know it is good to let it come out from time to time as otherwise it can take you down when you least expect.  Tears are refreshing even if annoying.......

I wait and long for the day...
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."  Revelation 21:4

Truth and Myth

Another two weeks have passed and I am happy to say they went by rather quickly.  These past weeks have involved the fourth of July holiday and visits from friends and overnight stays of grandchildren and my foster daughter, Tricia.  It is wonderful to have company and not have to handle life all alone when burdened already with such great loss. Grief is always with me but there is much time when I laugh and enjoy life that God has given for the day.

Grief struck again this morning at a very inconvenient time - as I entered the church foyer.  Wow I thought, "Where in the world is this coming from!"  I honestly can say I have no idea except I just knew the tears had to flow and there was no stopping them.  I'm sorry if I made any of my dear church family uncomfortable but I wasn't going home as I love going to church and my friend Cristina was with me so there was no way I was leaving!  It all went well though - hugs were given me by family and friends which actually made me cry more (it's okay though gets rid of a few more tears).  After church Cristina and I had some brunch (my favorite Sunday thing to cook) and had a nice time to visit.  Tricia and I had a great week as well visiting and catching up and sharing what's happening in our lives.  It is hard but important to live with the truth of my situation - which is grief for a time.  Again I cannot thank everyone who prays for me and others in tough situations - it is so needed!

Here are some things that encouraged me this week:
I thought of my two husbands God so lovingly gave to me - one for 48 years (Tom) and the other for 2 1/2 years (John).  I loved telling John he helped me reach 50 years of marriage!  Anyway this week in my sadness one day I thought to myself what would my godly husbands say to me if they were able right now?  These are the verses that popped into my head!
Hebrews 12:1-3 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses (all the believers who have gone before us to heaven - which includes Tom and John) let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
I felt those heavenly cheers many times this week and it gave me strength to carry on with this earthly race we are on!

This week I also have been reading through a grief booklet from Stephen Ministries byKenneth C. Haugk called "A Time to Grieve" book one.  There are four booklets.  I highly recommend them to read on your own or with others if you are going through grief.  One thing that stood out to me this week are some of the myths of grief - let me share some:
Myth: People with strong faith don't grieve.
Myth: A strong person should be able to get through a loss without showing emotion.
Myth: You should be pretty much back to normal after two or three months.
Myth: If you express intense feelings, you're losing control of yourself.
Myth: Crying is a sign of weakness.
Myth: Grief gets easier as you grow older.
Myth: Christians shouldn't grieve if they know their loved one is in heaven.  They should only feel joy.
Myth: Continuing to talk about the person who died only makes the pain last longer.
Myth: After a loved one has died, you can never be happy again.
There are a few more and maybe you have some of your own.  Grief is hard enough without having to face these myths so please do yourself a favor - believe the truth - God is there for you no matter how you feel even when you are angry at Him.  Take all your grief to Him and He will be your comfort and strength in due time.  Most importantly take time to cry and grieve when it is needed.
In the end we are all expected and wanted in Heaven by Jesus we just need to believe the truth - 2 Peter 3:9

Facing the Sorrow

It is two weeks today since my sweet John went home to be with his Lord.  The time has neither gone slow nor fast, it just passes by one day at a time.  (I hear John telling me, "Vera take it one day at a time.") So the planning I do is only what is needed for the day and a little beyond, most of the time I focus on today.  My days consist of an urgency to rise early enough to spend time with God as I know from experience it is the only way I can face each day with enough strength and peace.  (I am blessed with the ability to sleep well which I believe is a gift God has given through everyone's wonderful prayers.)  This time in the grief process I call the dark cloud days.  The dark cloud comes over me out of the blue and I know there is no escaping the tears that must flow.  I never like them, it is painful to feel them coming on and I sometimes feel like I won't be able to stop once they start.  To my surprise they always stop and I always feel so much better (another surprise).

Yesterday felt like one big dark cloud until evening when my grandkids came and still sadness came and went.  Then Sunday (today) came and I hardly dared hope as I felt like a new woman!  I went to church with my granddaughter who spent the night and the service was so uplifting!  Our pastor did an awesome job of convicting us to know what it means to really belong to Jesus.  Telling us the story of Simon in Acts 8:20 who thought he was a believer but was trying to buy the gift of the Holy Spirit so therefore he was not really saved yet! We cannot earn salvation it is a free gift of God.  It needs to be what we want in life not what we earn.  It needs to be sought after with a sincere heart going after God and His ways not thinking we can do things to earn our way to God.  Love cannot be bought - most of us know that, but sometimes we try to do that with God.  Jesus covered the cost now we need to accept Him and follow His ways. So easy yet we make it hard sometimes.  The bottom line was I felt very lifted up in my sadness and the rest of the day has had few dark clouds!

As much as I wish I didn't have the loss of yet another husband in my life I know it brings me close to God because the need is so great!  Every day God has special answers for me.  Here is an example from one of my devotions which I happened to read on the morning of my worst dark cloud day this past week:
"We say that there ought to be no sorrow, but there IS sorrow, and we have to accept and receive ourselves in its fires.  If we try to evade sorrow, refusing to deal with it, we are foolish. Sorrow is one of the biggest facts in life, and there is no use in saying it should not be.  Sin, sorrow, and suffering ARE, and it is not for us to say that God has made a mistake in allowing them........
If you will receive yourself in the fires of sorrow, God will make you nourishment for other people."
A portion of a devotion from "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers.

I want to close by saying thank you for your prayers!  Don't stop praying for people you know are in the middle of deep sorrow or suffering!  I believe prayer does more than any of us realize.  Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  Matthew 7:7

Pray and have expectation!!