It is two weeks today since my sweet John went home to be with his Lord. The time has neither gone slow nor fast, it just passes by one day at a time. (I hear John telling me, "Vera take it one day at a time.") So the planning I do is only what is needed for the day and a little beyond, most of the time I focus on today. My days consist of an urgency to rise early enough to spend time with God as I know from experience it is the only way I can face each day with enough strength and peace. (I am blessed with the ability to sleep well which I believe is a gift God has given through everyone's wonderful prayers.) This time in the grief process I call the dark cloud days. The dark cloud comes over me out of the blue and I know there is no escaping the tears that must flow. I never like them, it is painful to feel them coming on and I sometimes feel like I won't be able to stop once they start. To my surprise they always stop and I always feel so much better (another surprise).
Yesterday felt like one big dark cloud until evening when my grandkids came and still sadness came and went. Then Sunday (today) came and I hardly dared hope as I felt like a new woman! I went to church with my granddaughter who spent the night and the service was so uplifting! Our pastor did an awesome job of convicting us to know what it means to really belong to Jesus. Telling us the story of Simon in Acts 8:20 who thought he was a believer but was trying to buy the gift of the Holy Spirit so therefore he was not really saved yet! We cannot earn salvation it is a free gift of God. It needs to be what we want in life not what we earn. It needs to be sought after with a sincere heart going after God and His ways not thinking we can do things to earn our way to God. Love cannot be bought - most of us know that, but sometimes we try to do that with God. Jesus covered the cost now we need to accept Him and follow His ways. So easy yet we make it hard sometimes. The bottom line was I felt very lifted up in my sadness and the rest of the day has had few dark clouds!
As much as I wish I didn't have the loss of yet another husband in my life I know it brings me close to God because the need is so great! Every day God has special answers for me. Here is an example from one of my devotions which I happened to read on the morning of my worst dark cloud day this past week:
"We say that there ought to be no sorrow, but there IS sorrow, and we have to accept and receive ourselves in its fires. If we try to evade sorrow, refusing to deal with it, we are foolish. Sorrow is one of the biggest facts in life, and there is no use in saying it should not be. Sin, sorrow, and suffering ARE, and it is not for us to say that God has made a mistake in allowing them........
If you will receive yourself in the fires of sorrow, God will make you nourishment for other people."
A portion of a devotion from "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers.
I want to close by saying thank you for your prayers! Don't stop praying for people you know are in the middle of deep sorrow or suffering! I believe prayer does more than any of us realize. Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7
Pray and have expectation!!
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Sunday, June 12, 2016
The Final Journey
Well I can't believe I am writing this so soon but my beloved John went to his eternal home this morning around 9:38. Is it true that just a short 2 months ago we were hiking hills near the Sequoias and later walking all over a resort in the hills outside of Escondido? Life is unpredictable and facing each day with our plans realizing that God is really in control and we must say - whatever you will give Lord for this day. My heart is breaking and I have shed tons of tears already and know there are many yet to come. I also know if I bring this sadness to God and seek His answers for peace it will be there for me. Now this does not mean the tears will stop it just means I will receive peace and strength through the tears!
This week begin with a hope that John's pain was under control and that maybe we could share a week once more with his kids on a yearly trip to his timeshare. We prayed earnestly the day before we were going to leave for God to open or close the door for us. Well we felt it was very clearly shut and OH how thankful we clearly heard God's answer to stay home. As the week went on John became weaker and weaker until he barely moved. A hospital bed came in on Friday and by Saturday he was hardly able to talk. This week John's family went to the timeshare with his youngest daughter and husband staying home to help. Everyone did facetime each day and by Friday it became clear that Saturday to come home did not come any too soon. Roy and Nancy were a God send for me as by Thursday I had little sleep so they took care of John Friday night for me. I felt so grateful to be able to care for him on his last night of life and also the days before.
There is nothing easy about death - it is the curse of sin and certainly a rough journey as breath slowly leaves the body. Today was very peaceful as he left his body. I played the recording of Chris Tomlin's song "I Will Rise" and just as John let out his last breath the song ended.
I know I will cry and cry in the days to come but I cling to God harder than ever as I know it's the only way I will make it through this journey. I have been given some amazing devotions this month about death and dying and the difficulty this is to deal with. Today it was all about being a caregiver and how caregiving can be a labor of love that is more of an honor than a burden.
I am going to close this as so many family members and friends want to stop by to see me. It is wonderful to feel God's care for me in others as they give me love. Thank you to all of you that have already brought me love and John also when he was sick. Prayers are needed still for me to walk in this sad place.
Yes I'm wearing my "Expected in Heaven" T shirt today! Keep looking up and remember: "Now there is in store for (you &) me a crown of righteousness which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to (you &) me on that day - and not only to (you &) me, but also to all who have longed for His appearing." 2 Timothy 4:8
This week begin with a hope that John's pain was under control and that maybe we could share a week once more with his kids on a yearly trip to his timeshare. We prayed earnestly the day before we were going to leave for God to open or close the door for us. Well we felt it was very clearly shut and OH how thankful we clearly heard God's answer to stay home. As the week went on John became weaker and weaker until he barely moved. A hospital bed came in on Friday and by Saturday he was hardly able to talk. This week John's family went to the timeshare with his youngest daughter and husband staying home to help. Everyone did facetime each day and by Friday it became clear that Saturday to come home did not come any too soon. Roy and Nancy were a God send for me as by Thursday I had little sleep so they took care of John Friday night for me. I felt so grateful to be able to care for him on his last night of life and also the days before.
There is nothing easy about death - it is the curse of sin and certainly a rough journey as breath slowly leaves the body. Today was very peaceful as he left his body. I played the recording of Chris Tomlin's song "I Will Rise" and just as John let out his last breath the song ended.
I know I will cry and cry in the days to come but I cling to God harder than ever as I know it's the only way I will make it through this journey. I have been given some amazing devotions this month about death and dying and the difficulty this is to deal with. Today it was all about being a caregiver and how caregiving can be a labor of love that is more of an honor than a burden.
I am going to close this as so many family members and friends want to stop by to see me. It is wonderful to feel God's care for me in others as they give me love. Thank you to all of you that have already brought me love and John also when he was sick. Prayers are needed still for me to walk in this sad place.
Yes I'm wearing my "Expected in Heaven" T shirt today! Keep looking up and remember: "Now there is in store for (you &) me a crown of righteousness which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to (you &) me on that day - and not only to (you &) me, but also to all who have longed for His appearing." 2 Timothy 4:8
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Certainty in the Storm
Many of you have heard that John is continuing to decline which brings tears to my eyes several times a day but yet God also reminds me and John of the strength and comfort He gives us. It shows up in all sorts of ways - in our devotions, our kids coming to help or just bring us love and concern, our new neighborhood that never stops saying "ask anything we will be there", the many cards that continue to come, pastors who check in on us and finally and most importantly all who constantly pray for us!
I, Vera, could not find time to write on Sunday as the week was busy as John grows weaker. He can no longer stand and needs teamwork to move him from our bedroom to the family room for scenery change (we do have a wheelchair). Last week I noticed we were sleeping quite well but since then sleep is harder as John wakes and can't help himself. I feel like a new mom having to get up for feedings (although we don't eat we may get a drink of water or help to go to the bathroom (in his bed). Once you get that awake it is a bit of a struggle to get back to sleep for me. I know I should take more naps but naps are not my favorite thing! We have been able to manage John's pain a lot better for which we are very thankful! Although this is a difficult time and takes plenty of patience and perseverance I don't want it to pass quickly. I know I need to savor it and love on my husband so later there are no regrets. This time can surprise us how swiftly it can be gone! I'm not angry at God for making me go through it again so soon because I went into a second marriage knowing anything is possible. John and I are not exactly young and besides there is no certainty no matter what your age. Instead I am extremely thankful for all John has meant to me and how he gave me amazing comfort in my loss of Tom, his brother.
I read a devotion the other day that really helped me (God does this as I turn to Him daily). The truth is when trouble comes we naturally draw closer to God because it is the only thing that gives real peace. One day for instance I picked up one of my devotional readings and one was entitled "Shelter from the Storm". This woman used Psalm 46 and applied it to how it feels to be overwhelmed with loss in your life. (Right now I have lost a very healthy energetic husband who took long walks with me and loved staying up late so we could sit and have time to talk and share on our couch besides numerous other fun things couples enjoy doing together! (Instead now he can hardly move or stay awake very long to talk.) She recounted a story of loss of a loved one -"It felt like the earth was giving way" or their "world came crashing down". She then compared it to the psalmist saying the mountains are being swallowed up in the sea. Indeed loss in life can be compared to feeling as thought the very landscape of our lives has changed and the earth under us is not firm, as though everything we assumed would be as unchanging as a mountain range has suddenly come undone.
The ending thoughts were the best - "We may search for answers and it may take us years or decades to process all that we have been through, but at every moment there persists the invitation to be still, and to know God as a bedrock that shall not be moved!"
This is our prayer that we lean heavily on God and not our own strength which can leave us feeling like our stable mountains have just been thrown into the sea never to rise again! Not true as God through His Son Jesus gives us life eternal! John and I expect that!! We will one day soar as eagles, run and not be weary, walk and not faint!
I, Vera, could not find time to write on Sunday as the week was busy as John grows weaker. He can no longer stand and needs teamwork to move him from our bedroom to the family room for scenery change (we do have a wheelchair). Last week I noticed we were sleeping quite well but since then sleep is harder as John wakes and can't help himself. I feel like a new mom having to get up for feedings (although we don't eat we may get a drink of water or help to go to the bathroom (in his bed). Once you get that awake it is a bit of a struggle to get back to sleep for me. I know I should take more naps but naps are not my favorite thing! We have been able to manage John's pain a lot better for which we are very thankful! Although this is a difficult time and takes plenty of patience and perseverance I don't want it to pass quickly. I know I need to savor it and love on my husband so later there are no regrets. This time can surprise us how swiftly it can be gone! I'm not angry at God for making me go through it again so soon because I went into a second marriage knowing anything is possible. John and I are not exactly young and besides there is no certainty no matter what your age. Instead I am extremely thankful for all John has meant to me and how he gave me amazing comfort in my loss of Tom, his brother.
I read a devotion the other day that really helped me (God does this as I turn to Him daily). The truth is when trouble comes we naturally draw closer to God because it is the only thing that gives real peace. One day for instance I picked up one of my devotional readings and one was entitled "Shelter from the Storm". This woman used Psalm 46 and applied it to how it feels to be overwhelmed with loss in your life. (Right now I have lost a very healthy energetic husband who took long walks with me and loved staying up late so we could sit and have time to talk and share on our couch besides numerous other fun things couples enjoy doing together! (Instead now he can hardly move or stay awake very long to talk.) She recounted a story of loss of a loved one -"It felt like the earth was giving way" or their "world came crashing down". She then compared it to the psalmist saying the mountains are being swallowed up in the sea. Indeed loss in life can be compared to feeling as thought the very landscape of our lives has changed and the earth under us is not firm, as though everything we assumed would be as unchanging as a mountain range has suddenly come undone.
The ending thoughts were the best - "We may search for answers and it may take us years or decades to process all that we have been through, but at every moment there persists the invitation to be still, and to know God as a bedrock that shall not be moved!"
This is our prayer that we lean heavily on God and not our own strength which can leave us feeling like our stable mountains have just been thrown into the sea never to rise again! Not true as God through His Son Jesus gives us life eternal! John and I expect that!! We will one day soar as eagles, run and not be weary, walk and not faint!
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