First of all maybe I should start by saying I lied. Yup sorry I was often telling friends and family members "I think this time around (losing my second husband) is a little bit easier than the first time." Not true I decided as I analyzed my situation which can be especially rough at times with lots of tears coming out of nowhere. What I can say is it is different, or maybe it just feels different as it is an experience I've gone through before so I have a little knowledge of what to expect and how to get the comfort I so desperately need at times. God gives me loads of comfort through a host of ways, which include children, grandchildren, friends and everyones prayers along with many loving things done for me.
God always surprises me though and with those surprises reminds me that He is in control and not me. Take for instance this past Sunday morning as I readied myself for church I just couldn't stop crying and it was a bit annoying - feeling like I didn't have time for crying right then - but those tears just kept coming. I felt okay as I left for church and found a seat. My daughter-in-law almost blew it for me by asking, "Are you having a good morning or would you like me to sit beside you?" It was amazing that I was able to say, "Yes I'm good you can sit by your husband." The music minister started the service by saying we are having a time of confession and lament! He made us think about all the things that make us mournful and downcast! After the prayer time (which of course covered many areas of mourning I was going through just that morning) we sang songs that also made us think of sadness as well as give us hope in grief! God surprised me with His strength and comfort during this time and I did not have to shed one tear! I felt like NO WONDER I had to have all those tears to prepare! I was SO GLAD I took time with God before this service! Phew!
This was followed by our pastor preaching on Psalm 23, a favorite of my first husband as he walked through his cancer. On our first trip to Israel my husband and I learned what green pastures and quiet waters really looked like and I always love being reminded (part of our sermon that day) of the fact that it's like a wilderness where the shepherd leads the sheep and cares for them in Israel. Our pastor had another reminder of this thought how in Egypt God called His people out of the flourishing land of the Nile to the Wilderness - a place of death. Our pastor gave such great word pictures of how God calls us to that place of death and we cannot survive without Him. Psalm 63 is a beautiful picture of this. I enjoyed another reminder of Jesus saying in Matthew 10:39 if we lose our life we will gain it. To me this means I need to trust that God knows what He is doing and I should always give Him my wilderness and be confident He will take care of me in it. We must not be afraid of the wilderness because God does big things in this place that seems like death and His people knew that the wilderness was really God's country.
Final thought is that I have to cling to God each day in whatever joy or sadness come my way and be confident He can help me find exactly what I need each and everyday. I know I can be comforted as God has faithfully done this so many times for me in the past. I can EXPECT it.
